Yaar, Chusai mat kar

The most common one liner, oft repeated in campuses.

Per Yaar es Chusai ka matlab kya hota hai ?

Kisi ko nahi pata.

Kisi ne kabhi kisi reason se bola hoga, per aaj log to bus bol dete.

Fashion ban gaya hai ye Chusai shabd, matlab jo chusai karte hain wo bhi bol dete hain dusron ko ki chusai mat kar.

Ye to bhari nainsafi hai es shabd ko.

I think its better than using the term Fuck off towards some one who is boring you to death.

I mean its better than using the term LOL.

After all, using a hindi slang is far more liberating than the English slang.

Bus, ab to main bhi itna likh ke khud bol raha hun, yaar chusai mat kar !!!!!!!!!

He is Hitting on me :P

After I had walked right away from her, just after saying to her in the discotheque ,”You dance was great.” All that she said to the girls around her was “He is hitting on me.”

I mean What the Fuck.

I mean, okae you are very fair and very pretty as people say and since you have learned dancing so you dance well. But, does it mean that I am hitting on you?

Well, No. No, because it was the first “unofficial” freshers party that was given to us by the seniors (where we paid from our own pocket) and since you were in my batch and for the past 15 classes that I had attended with you, you were a silent and sincere type girl who I had friend request on fb two days back (because I had joined facebook five days back and I had added all batchmates and you were just one among the 160 others). Yeah, so I had assumed that you were a silent and sincere types but watching you dance in the disco I was impressed with your dance.

Well, maybe it was because I am a “barati-type-dancer” who had even rarely danced in weddings because my feet was stuck on the ground by my shyness and I could hardly shake my legs. Also, maybe because it was the first time that in 18 years of my life I had for the first time been to a disco and in that dark room I had shed all my shy-self and tried to shake myself beyond the limit.

And, there watching people who showed off their americanized version, your dance was original and beautiful and I just have a habit of praising all the beauty that I could see. And, for the first time I realized that if an introvert like you can dance, so can I.

So, maybe your comment was right I was hitting on you, but it was not the figure that you showed but the dance moves that you made. Because, after I said your dance is great and had danced with you for a minute, I had walked out with my friends and I had never cared to think about my words unless people blamed me of being flirty.

I mean does genuine appreciation of beauty amounts to being flirty? Well, I guess I have a different dictionary.

The reason, I record this incident and I remember it still after almost four years is because it taught me to watch my words and stop being liberal with my appreciations in college.

Also, because when I was almost on the verge of forgetting this incident, some one else again reminded me to hold fast to this rule.

This second girl was classmate of my sister and had pestered me with friend requests before I finally accepted her. I had added her at the time when the girl that I had loved her had cheated on me and I was alone and very sad. Now, initially in her case I was interested to have a relation with her because one, she is a rajput girl (yeah caste is a big issue, will write about it someday) and second, because she has singh as her title (yeah, weird, I know but I guess I was turning into a despo kind of a person).

But, eventually good sense prevailed and before I could have started flirting with her I decided to treat her like my sister’s friend. So, everything was going fine and I started to avoid her but then she started to chat about love and boyfriend-girlfriend issues, asking me about my relationships and here again I committed a blunder of being honest and simple. Since, there wasn’t much to talk about and she used to ping every time I was online on fb, our talks used to start from formal hi-hello and how are you and her questions would veer towards this love type topics. I slowly started to ignore her and permanently showed myself offline on her chat.

Fast forward, two months. I was working late evening in the my office during the internship and at around 8 pm when I am trying to complete my work and leave for home, I receive a call from an unknown number and I again made a blunder by picking up the call assuming that it was from some known friends as the number pattern belonged to my state.

And, I hear a guy inquiring about this girl and asking me if I am in a relationship with her.

And, I am like What the Fuck

He started quizzing me like a cop and some how trying to force me to blurt out that I am in a relation with this girl. And, then my head started to get on fire as I had work to complete. And, then after he had inquired about my sister and I had repeatedly clarified my position that I treat her like a sister. Finally, in the bollywood dialogue to the question of who he was, he said I can ask the girl.

I cam back to my room, switched on the laptop and the first thing I did was block the girl.  She had messaged me saying, “bahut flirt kiya mere sath, aur maine kab bola bhaiya.”

This thing again disturbed me for a day or two, because I was just honest and open with her and treated her more like sister. But, I guess I was wrong, I think if I would have really flirted with her and used her like everyother boy then it would have been better but the problem is I can’t do that because my mom has taught me differently.

These two incidents have for some reasons (and I exactly don’t know why?) have hurt me a lot and taught me to be silent in my appreciations and deceptive in my words.

Maybe the “Why” will be answered some day.

Trishanku

Trishanku is a hindi word for being stuck in a limbo. And, thats the state of my mind these days.

I started to write here to record my thoughts, to create a time capsule for my thoughts. It was more in the spirit of reviewing the last year, a ritual that all of us follow during the first ten days of January. I started to do it because 2013 was a beginning of an end in my life. It was a year; when the person I had vowed to love for the whole of my life cheated upon me; when I had a life threatening disease; when my academics had fallen to a low standard but then by the time 2013 ended it also marked a new beginning in my life with a new relationship, an improved health of my mom and a good performance in academics and work.

It was also the year that I took this plunge into writing my personal thoughts on this blog.

I began my post writing about my love life. I was filled with lots of things to write about but with so many options to write I could not decide and hence this, Trishanku.

I don’t know why, but I have lost this urge to write about the girl that I had loved. Maybe because finally my thoughts are no more troubled by what she did or Maybe because some one very special has come into my life who loves me far more than what I could have imagined. But, I need to write about the past not because I want some one to read but because I need to record the honest record of what had happened when I fell in love for the first time in my life. Maybe I will write it some where near my birthday, because most of my yearly reviews and new resolutions are made by me around my birthday.

Also, the issue of sitting for placements and finding the career for my life is another of the issue thats bothering me, though I try to keep my thoughts free from them.

Five O & Fifty E

Well, its actually fifty O (= L O ) and five E (= V E). I wrote Five O & Fifty E because, ummmm….. well because I like it that way.

A term used by my maths teacher who taught me class XI & XII. He used to make a preaching using this term, ax expression of his hypoctitic responsibility of taking care of his students and warning them about the dangers of tasting the forbidden fruit of teenage love. Well, I did make an attempt to taste it and has since tasted quite a bit of this forbidden delicacy.

My first adventure in this forbidden territory began when I first ventured out of my home to a distant place which promised of the highest academic excellence and was thought to be an accelerator to the coveted campuses of IIT. Well, it was not Kota but rather a place on the eastern side of India, a 5 hour train journey from my home. Having studied my last nine years at a strict and conservative catholic mission school, I never had much of an interaction with girls in my class. The few that I had were more in capacity of being a class monitor, a post which virtually belonged to since I was first appointed in class IV. Though, a few people I knew did get involve in this area but then me being a teenage boy with interests limited to food, cricket and video games; my focus was limited to study and sleep. I never explored the hidden lanes of my small town nor I ventured into the areas forbidden for me.

Looking into the hindsight, I feel that it was good that I never ventured. A rebellious venture like that would have created social pressure and stigma for my family and on my character. But, I also realize, looking back to this phase of my life, that I am some one who is patient enough to pick up a right moment to do things and that I learn about these moments by opening my eyes and ears to the experience of the people around me.

And, this is what happened after class X.

It began with a shock. A powerful cultural shock of my life.

The cultural shock of watching boys and girls walk hand in hand in the school corridors; of girls wearing short mini skirts and boys running towards first and second base. Well, for others it may be weird to think this as a cultural shock but for some one like me who came from a strict and conservative society where boys never talked to girls and advertisements of sanitary pads prompted the switching of channels, it was a big shock.

Being a spectator to this fun fair, I used to wonder how can a boy talk to a girl and how can a girl open up with them like this. My biased thoughts compared their action to their state of character-less-ness. It was a good excuse for me to hide my physical and emotional insecurities.

It was also a good topic to gossip about with my fellow mates and earn a place in the pack.

But, then things slowly and gradually changed. I felt a desire to attempt for this forbidden fruit, a part of me which has always delighted itself in achieving the impossible, took over my thoughts and actions and thus began a my adventure in August 2007, which has continued till now.

The story of this adventure deserves to be written separately, not only because its long but because it will be a way for me to understand about myself and how it made me what I am today.

Beginning

Its difficult for me to open up myself and write everything about who I am and what I think and what I do. I am full of insecurities. I fear that people will judge me for things that I think. I don’t say or do things that I think about for that would be preposterous.

I have this fear about how people will judge if I say or do something, heck I am so paranoid that I fear that if and when I join a government service, my online history will be snooped and they will unearth some shit that I spoke and I will be rejected. Well, I don’t see that much happening as the Government of the day (in India) is too busy playing politics and the security agencies are too busy spying on Pakistan and China.

I also fear that US may be snooping on my mails and blog posts and collecting informations about my dirty thoughts, well, LET THEM FUCK OFF.

If they cannot keep pirate bay at bay and cannot do anything when their intelligence was fucked by Snowden, I am very much sure ki wo mera baal bhi banka nahi kar payenge.

So, in the spirit of all that my friends and foes are doing this year, I have also decided to pick up a new year resolution. Well, this one is not about the things that the-normal-me does during the day. Its more about the things that I do at night, its about the secret blog that I maintained with my public wordpress profile. I no more want to write in secret. This year, I am going to open up and write all that I think about.

My random thoughts. My Midnite Dairy.

Well, you can call this as me coming out of my closet, well, it is that but then the reason why I prefer to keep anonymous is because I am still paranoid of the labels that people will put on me when they read my thoughts. In real life, I am some one who is a perfect example of a boy who has followed the standards conventions of the society and has done things that conform the social standards. Though, I have rebelled at times but those rebellions were still within the boundaries of the social standards. But, I want to go beyond that.

I want to be the kind of rebel that I dream about.

But, I cannot be like that I mean I am not very confident about doing things that I want to do. Maybe as I write this blog and find that people hardly judge you for who you are, I will be more at ease with my thoughts and myself.

This is a beginning of the end that I want to bring in the life that I am living right now.